Archive for the 'Pieces of Chaos' Category

15
Nov
09

Stop the spinning, mind the chaos.

I am here…on this earth…still.  Still here, and why.  I want to be here, but what is it all for?  These are such old and cliche questions, why do I even ask them?  Yet these thoughts haunt and at moments just engulf my mind in frustration.

It is so easy to dwell  within this type of thinking.  I am a master wallower when I want to be.  I must admit (as much as after 3 years I still try to ignore it and pretend it will go away) that constant pain, moving and flowing through me like and endless river, makes the quest to stay out of my hermit’s shell so difficult.  I want nothing more than to be in my darkened bedroom under the covers with heating pad, pain killers, and a book forever. Even so,  one tiny shiny thought can serve as a light at the top of the rabbit hole, and help me to climb back into the light.

This climb can be daunting, is always painful, and very scary, but I try and try again….as much as I can, and on the days I can muster the strength, I do my damnedest to reach the sunny light, and let it warm my skin and soul…my whole being. Then on the difficult days,   just sitting and acknowledging where I am, being mindful of the state I am in, without judgment…without a thought as to the goodness or badness of what I am or am not doing, just being with myself where I am, I find this makes a difference.

My generation is obsessed with “diagnoses” and clear cut definitions for what is going on in our lives, outside of us, inside our bodies, and  in our heads.  If I don’t have a name for it, it scares me.  If I cannot categorize myself, I feel like I am lost in some spaceless black hole of being without direction.   This is where the mindfulness comes in.  Just sitting, and experiencing whatever is going on, and then letting it flow through me…letting that energy pass through my consciousness, I let it be a part of me. All I feel and experience is an  intrinsic part of me,  and then I can  fly on.

This is the work I need to focus on daily, to help deal with the physical pain, and the anxiety I need to let go of.  Instead of getting sucked into pain or joy, instead of getting tangled in  a cyclone of diagnoses or words to describe me, my endeavor is to experience my being and let it flow on.

Originally this post was going to be just a rant about the purposelessness I am feeling right now, and questioning why I am here.   Sometimes I am amazed how my perspective can change; through deeper thinking comes a quest toward enlightenment.  If I can keep this inner work up, I can keep my little feet kicking, and my head just above the water, keeping me from sinking and the cold water from engulfing my lungs.

I keep thinking, and trying.  That is all I can do.

12
Nov
09

Whip It All Into One Tornado

I begin a serious quest to blog consistently.  I had 3 different blogs, and found it crazy to keep up with them all in different places.  Here they are all together.  I can write randomly about anything and it will all be together!  All my writing, my words, my thoughts, here for me to see, and anyone else who might be interested in the chaos that seeps from my consciousness.  Enjoy the insanity.  I sure do, no matter how awful or amazing.  Whip it all up into one big tornado of thought and being.  Here I am

11
Aug
09

Where did I go?

So I fail to blog on here consistently, and I ask myself why? Why the hell can I not keep up? My brain is bursting with so much to talk and think about, and yet I hesitate to do this. I keep from continually talking about the things I know would help for others to read, and for me to mull over in each new post. It helps me to get the thoughts down, and in many cases I figure things out as I write. I feel like I have come to an epiphany by the end of what I have written. So why on earth would I shy away from doing this constantly?

I found a discussion on a forum I visit about finding inspiration for artistic pursuits. The question was about getting going, and the author asked for tips on starting to write about her health, and she said she could not seem to get started, and this came out of me:

How eerie and ironic, but this is my exact state right now. I have just been diagnosed with fibromyalgia (officially, now I believe it has been 14 years), and I strongly believe that my purpose is to write about my experiences to hopefully help others, and help me, by the outlet of the feelings and frustrations, in the process. But I can’t seem to do it. I have a blog that has about 5 posts in more than a year, and they are good, and a variety of topics related to pain, and chronic illness. But I cannot seem to keep it going.

And I think recently I have had a realization as to why….so I hope this helps you…. By writing about it, by putting it down, and explaining it and dealing with it, I feel like I am fully acknowledging it, and giving over to the fact that this is my reality. Part of me still is in denial about the fact that my life has be changed, most likely permanently, by my chronic condition….some small tiny girl inside of me, the part that is still 7, thinks that I am invincible, and absolutely fine, or that I will be in the immediate future, and cannot believe anything bad can happen. And how can an intelligent 31 year old woman be this ignorant? I think it is merely the optimism that there is good and that the good will prevail.

I think my remedy to all this is to find the good all over…it does not just have to be within my body. It can be in the beautiful Asiatic lilies on my front porch, the warm summer breeze over my legs, the love I have in my life with my wonderful partner for the journey. I am hoping these things, these beautiful things that are a sign that the good in life does happen, maybe I can accept my physical state, and limitations, and find the good things I can do and be a part of, and in turn use the writing about my struggles to cleanse myself of the pain I experience everyday. And maybe this will give me further strength for the journey and the dealing with it all. Who knows? Alright my thoughts just exploded into your small question for advice…I hope this is in someway helpful. I think it also helps me to write (haha here I am “blogging” about my daily life with my condition) it all down, and put into words the things I am dealing with. I need to think that the writing will help me so immensely, and even though it is an acknowledgment of my pain, by actually seeing it and writing about it this gives me the ability to face it head on, and in a way takes away the power it has through my silence about it.

So this may not make any sense, the ramblings of a crazy girl, but I hope there is something you can find in here to help you….I know it has helped me today.

~~~~~
So I guess I should take this advice….get it out of me, and not let the silence contain the pain within me. If I write a bit about it, perhaps the pain will funnel into the writing, and take away at least some of the emotional stress, and help me understand the experience of the intense pain. Right now I am in a state where my fingers are killing me, but the good thing is, typing uses small movements.

So here is my pledge~~I will write as often as possible about the pain, to accept it as a daily part of my life, and through the writing work to understand its influences, its teachings, and its mysteries. I WILL WRITE. I will be here, and show my pain….I will not hide it anymore. This is my determination