Stop the spinning, mind the chaos.

I am here…on this earth…still.  Still here, and why.  I want to be here, but what is it all for?  These are such old and cliche questions, why do I even ask them?  Yet these thoughts haunt and at moments just engulf my mind in frustration.

It is so easy to dwell  within this type of thinking.  I am a master wallower when I want to be.  I must admit (as much as after 3 years I still try to ignore it and pretend it will go away) that constant pain, moving and flowing through me like and endless river, makes the quest to stay out of my hermit’s shell so difficult.  I want nothing more than to be in my darkened bedroom under the covers with heating pad, pain killers, and a book forever. Even so,  one tiny shiny thought can serve as a light at the top of the rabbit hole, and help me to climb back into the light.

This climb can be daunting, is always painful, and very scary, but I try and try again….as much as I can, and on the days I can muster the strength, I do my damnedest to reach the sunny light, and let it warm my skin and soul…my whole being. Then on the difficult days,   just sitting and acknowledging where I am, being mindful of the state I am in, without judgment…without a thought as to the goodness or badness of what I am or am not doing, just being with myself where I am, I find this makes a difference.

My generation is obsessed with “diagnoses” and clear cut definitions for what is going on in our lives, outside of us, inside our bodies, and  in our heads.  If I don’t have a name for it, it scares me.  If I cannot categorize myself, I feel like I am lost in some spaceless black hole of being without direction.   This is where the mindfulness comes in.  Just sitting, and experiencing whatever is going on, and then letting it flow through me…letting that energy pass through my consciousness, I let it be a part of me. All I feel and experience is an  intrinsic part of me,  and then I can  fly on.

This is the work I need to focus on daily, to help deal with the physical pain, and the anxiety I need to let go of.  Instead of getting sucked into pain or joy, instead of getting tangled in  a cyclone of diagnoses or words to describe me, my endeavor is to experience my being and let it flow on.

Originally this post was going to be just a rant about the purposelessness I am feeling right now, and questioning why I am here.   Sometimes I am amazed how my perspective can change; through deeper thinking comes a quest toward enlightenment.  If I can keep this inner work up, I can keep my little feet kicking, and my head just above the water, keeping me from sinking and the cold water from engulfing my lungs.

I keep thinking, and trying.  That is all I can do.


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November 2009
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