Archive for May, 2009

03
May
09

does singing help or hurt?

As I spend all my possible energy for the day, and the next five in reality, on my concert this evening…I am forced to contemplate the purpose of the singing. My God, I love to do nothing better, and yet these last weeks I have fought and fought to get to rehearsal, work to stay on pitch which now is more difficult that at any other time in my life, and to actually breath. I hold my breath for most of time each day, and I go to sing, and no phrase seems to pass seamlessly without me gasping in the worst spot possible, and that gap will be heard and felt through the line.

All my thinking and musing daily goes toward “how can I sing?” That is all I want, all I want to do, to feel, to be. I think about wanting it constantly, yet I avoid it……the songs in my head which are desperate to be written down grow and grow, and crowd the space in which I try to remember and think….to do things to function properly. The songs want out…..my voice screams at me to be heard, and to work and to grow, and yet I stifle it. It hurts so much to think it all may never be the way I need and want it to be, and I stuff my singing self away….thinking the drive…the intense desire that has been with me since I was so small, will leave me. And then on occasion I try to use it….maybe at school, on a whim for my kids, and it is usually awful, I finish feeling like I failed. It all was likely because the pain in my head was gnawing down through my body….eating me alive. This pain is eating me….each creature it creates in me, the crazy, the insecure, the angry, the sad….eats at what is left of the little girl within who still likes to hope for something better. I feel like she gets smaller every day, going from normal 7 year old size, and dissolving down to a fairy….a tiny fairy with tiny wings, that can barely fly up to where the hope is.

Oh to feel normal….and yet what I think is my worst problem, is that I need to accept this as the new “normal” and I cannot. I cannot give in to being something else…..I know there is good to be found where I am and there are ways to go on and adapt. I am so sick of adapting….so sick of it. I want stasis…..I want a pause button for that moment in the day in my evening, when I am home and comfortable…..when I can lay my poor body down on my wonderful cloud of a body pillow, and be next to my Love, his head on my hip. The two of us so peaceful, and present…..pause….and stay there, till I find another moment I like as well…..and they are there. But as the clock ticks around again to the morning, awfulness creeps into my being even more….dread rules. I dread my morning….and morning should be new and fresh. I never want to go there. I want to live in the evening forever…and maybe it can progress to later in the dark of night….and that is ok, but light may never come. Unless light means that I am in a chair somehwere in the warm sun, sitting and soaking in the rays…..nothing but soaking. I am too unreasonable I know. But my whole state of being now seems unreasonable. It is unthinkable. I defy to be taken over by this pain, this monster that demands my being……and yet all I read and hear is I have to accept it. “acceptance is the first step”….to what to giving in to being something less than I am? I won’t……I can’t. I need to keep me here. I am getting lost….and more lost each day.

Sometimes I feel like he no longer recognizes me….the part he fell in love with has vanished into the crumpled pile of my body. I work so hard to keep up to where I used to be….to be me, and show me to the world….but I can’t do all I want to. I feel like so much of my day, of my work is left undone, and somehow I am running out of time. I have felt like this for a long time….but now it is stronger, and pushes at me so much harder. I need to do…..I need to be, and yet I may get to one tiny item on MY list each day. The list of living and working rules what I can and cannot do…..I am so lost in it all. I need to get back to where I belong. I think the Beatles said that best.

These last weeks…..I have hated to have to sing….this is not me…not me at all….ever. This needs to leave…this hate has to go. I have to find a way to do it. To sing, to be free within my body, to let the songs fly, to create, just me being……this I wish.

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