Archive for April, 2009

24
Apr
09

like a snowball…

the pain in my hands gets worse and worse as the days go on. I have to wait over 2 more weeks to even talk to the doctor again, and I am upset about that. Typing hurts….playing the piano hurts…..writing with a pencil. I had a hard time opening my toothpaste tube, shampooing my head, and blow drying my hair felt like an epic feat.

I am frustrated that they are making me wait again….he is hoping to see if the procedure works….the procedure that is supposed to work in 2-4 weeks…no wait 4-6 weeks…or if not 6-8 weeks. I love how this all is so flimsily accurate…..and then it never helps at all. I have had no relief to this date….and been worse all over.

The all over pain is getting progressively more from day to day. It used to just be on maybe Sunday, my scheduled bad day, but now its Tuesday, and Friday too. The past 5 days, in the evenings my whole body has hurt. Too much, and not what I had planned. Going through the horror of the procedure was supposed to have helped me…..not sent me on a flying spiral into extended pain. God if it were still only my head…..not that I can even take that. But now……now it is engulfing.

I do not care about a name or a diagnosis, or whatever……I just need help…just need some better days. It is turning into maybe 2 1/2 good days a week. This is not how I am….it is not! So the snowball runs down the hill, gathering more of the wet snow, in layer after layer. And all the time I get smaller and smaller inside the center…..frozen, and still.

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07
Apr
09

pain is the sun

So I had this thought….image really….this morning…about the place pain has in my life. It is like pain is the sun that i orbit around. This is awful really, and quite pessimistic, I guess, but this is sure how I feel it works right now. Pain seems to dictate most of what I can do. I am stuck in this wild orbit, and although I may move myself a bit….what I decide to do must revolve around the pain I am experiencing. If I push myself to work, whether its for half the day or the whole day, what I desire to do later is ruled by the sun god of pain….and often the dictate is nothing….i must rest…i must……..rest. Sometimes I may write or read while I rest….but more often I must just lay and rest…..I can barely focus on TV much of the time. I zone out completely and do not even know what I am watching. TV is such a waste of brain and time, but it is better at staring at the wall I guess. I need to find some way to feel like a productive human being during these times. Sometimes I draw or doodle…but then my hands hurt. I wish my brain could just create things out of thin air as I think them…the poem would write itself down, or the notes would play themselves. My brain is so stuffed right now for lack of ability to create and move and flow as a human. Where has my living gone to? Its lost in the invisible orbit I keep around the sun of pain.