Oh, how I
wish
my insane
mind would
vacate itself
of the chaotic
paper-winged
swarm of
moth thoughts.
Endlessly flapping
against each
other, no room
to fly, to expand
or move. Stifled
stuck. Vacate,
vacate, oh useless
thoughts, leave
my soul open
to dive in,
to fly and
mold words,
music lines,
colors into
light.
How should I be?
Amazing, super,
wonderful and fine?
Has magic suddenly
taken me over
trasformed me
into a super Fairy,
all powerful,
and all immune?
I can say, fine, great,
I am wonderful.
but then that would be a lie.
Never in my life
have I been so encouraged
to pretend that truth
is not important.
Never have I felt
so disbelieved
by those around me.
Others feeling comfortable
with my answer is much more
paramount to good
conversation, and easy
human interaction.
I do wish it was
easy to lie for you,
but it is not.
None of this is easy.
From the way
they talk
the way
they look
at me
should I really add
a title to the end
of my name
Princess of Pain.
she who lives
in it,
and with it.
never a break
never stopping
But do I really need
a title?
Can’t I just be
a girl?
who sings
who writes
and loves to be in love?
who tends and
loves to feed
any who want to eat
the crazy creations
she whips up.
Pain may haunt me,
may teach me daily,
may color my every move
but it is not me.
It is just a veil
a thin line
that separates me
way further away
from others
than I every
really believed.
And her arms snake
through the air
like the curling smoke
gently rising off
the tip of the cigarette
laying in a plastic
black ash tray
She paints the melody
in diaphanous air
through the tips
of her fingers
languid and watery
The rhythm pulses
with her steady
heartbeat
feet declaring
the passage of time
Body throbbing
with the music
possessed to move
with the vigorous
Sound
Dance
united, one
with the sound
Dancer and music
are not separate
but flow connected
as damp newborn
Spring pours itself
into naked Summer.
Such a whirlwind
Sucks a mind from
Its beloved home.
A whirlwind of chaos
The world spinning
Too fast for anyone
To catch up to it
Fully.
Longing for peace
Longing for home
Of Love,
Of Harmony,
Both of which
This dervish spinning world
Feels devoid of
During a mundane day.
Give me late evening
Give me bed
Give me Love
That makes all the chaos
Dissolve behind the mountains
As the sun crawls toward
The next dawn.
I would live,
Hibernate forever
A sleeping bear,
In the peace of a night
Full of Love.
I am here…on this earth…still. Still here, and why. I want to be here, but what is it all for? These are such old and cliche questions, why do I even ask them? Yet these thoughts haunt and at moments just engulf my mind in frustration.
It is so easy to dwell within this type of thinking. I am a master wallower when I want to be. I must admit (as much as after 3 years I still try to ignore it and pretend it will go away) that constant pain, moving and flowing through me like and endless river, makes the quest to stay out of my hermit’s shell so difficult. I want nothing more than to be in my darkened bedroom under the covers with heating pad, pain killers, and a book forever. Even so, one tiny shiny thought can serve as a light at the top of the rabbit hole, and help me to climb back into the light.
This climb can be daunting, is always painful, and very scary, but I try and try again….as much as I can, and on the days I can muster the strength, I do my damnedest to reach the sunny light, and let it warm my skin and soul…my whole being. Then on the difficult days, just sitting and acknowledging where I am, being mindful of the state I am in, without judgment…without a thought as to the goodness or badness of what I am or am not doing, just being with myself where I am, I find this makes a difference.
My generation is obsessed with “diagnoses” and clear cut definitions for what is going on in our lives, outside of us, inside our bodies, and in our heads. If I don’t have a name for it, it scares me. If I cannot categorize myself, I feel like I am lost in some spaceless black hole of being without direction. This is where the mindfulness comes in. Just sitting, and experiencing whatever is going on, and then letting it flow through me…letting that energy pass through my consciousness, I let it be a part of me. All I feel and experience is an intrinsic part of me, and then I can fly on.
This is the work I need to focus on daily, to help deal with the physical pain, and the anxiety I need to let go of. Instead of getting sucked into pain or joy, instead of getting tangled in a cyclone of diagnoses or words to describe me, my endeavor is to experience my being and let it flow on.
Originally this post was going to be just a rant about the purposelessness I am feeling right now, and questioning why I am here. Sometimes I am amazed how my perspective can change; through deeper thinking comes a quest toward enlightenment. If I can keep this inner work up, I can keep my little feet kicking, and my head just above the water, keeping me from sinking and the cold water from engulfing my lungs.
I keep thinking, and trying. That is all I can do.
I begin a serious quest to blog consistently. I had 3 different blogs, and found it crazy to keep up with them all in different places. Here they are all together. I can write randomly about anything and it will all be together! All my writing, my words, my thoughts, here for me to see, and anyone else who might be interested in the chaos that seeps from my consciousness. Enjoy the insanity. I sure do, no matter how awful or amazing. Whip it all up into one big tornado of thought and being. Here I am
The sun has faded
too quickly.
The bright light
evaporates into murkiness.
The last good day
of beautiful,
burning rays
on my sun-thirsty
skin.
This body will be dehydrated
at least till April.
Parched and stuck
till I can bare
my polka-dotted arms again
and free my stifled toes
from strangling socks.
A blanket of cold gray and snow
looms as the next sunrise
crawls over the mountain peaks
Naked with sunshine
is best.
Alright…..one chocolate cookie led to an embarrassing myriad of glutenous eating over this weekend. I basically said to heck with it, and decided that I know what I need to be doing, and the only way I could indulge one more time was if I made the commitment for good now. “FOR GOOD.” There is a song from the musical Wicked that has that title, “For Good,” (which made me cry when I saw it recently because it made me think of my high school kids that I miss toooooo much still, but they do text me occasionally) and one of the lyrics goes: “I have been changed for good.” So I really just think that I need to just do it.
I have the ability to control this one, potentially enourmous, aspect of my health. Why would I not take full advantage of being in control, as opposed to shoving all these pills down my throat that I truly feel control me.
So
Ok, so I could look at this as a sort of silly ode to the knowled
So I know that I will not be completely gluten free until I change two of my meds, which is going to take me about 2 months. I wish this were not the way it was, but money and the fact that I need to keep on both of them completely steady without a break, so really no way of just going off them. I have one doctor’s appt. scheduled and I need to make the other one soon so I am on top of this.
Yesterday I decided to have a cookie from the cupboard….chips ahoy….of course it had gluten. And I wondered, “Is this going to make me feel funny or bad?” It did not, but I have to remember that I will not begin to feel good till it is all out, which includes the gluten in the pills.
If 1/8th of a teaspoon of gluten can cause a reaction then that much is easily in one or two of these pills, which I take a total of 7 of each day. This is kind of discouraging. I want to be where I am feeling better as a result of my hard work eating and cooking gluten free, not just doing it for no reason till my body actually can be free of it. But I don’t really want to go back to how I was. I had such a hard time with this the first time, and now I feel truly determined, but I feel its a bit useless.
So feeling a bit set back today, and knowing a bit better how much will power this will truly take from me to be a reality in my life. Will I even feel better once it is all out of me? I guess there are no guarantees with anything, but I at least can try this myself, and control it. So here is to a gluten free tomorrow….I hope.
